An endless rant from a control freak

I haven't writing in here in a very long time. It seems like I chose to put my thoughts down at random times. It doesn't necessarily happen when I am going through a crisis, when I am sad, or especially happy. I think the reason I am so sporadic is because I don't have anytime to devote to my thoughts. I am concentrating so much on what is next, what I have to do, that I don't give myself anytime to.. myself.

I'm getting married in 49 days.

Just saying that makes me stomach flip.

Not the being married part. I am excited for that, for starting a family, to be Ashlee Howe. All that is exciting for me.

It's the wedding part of it that I'm nervous about. Mostly the money. I have no idea how I am going to pay for the rest of the wedding. My credit is shit, I have no more avenues to get more money. I need a good 3-4 thousand dollars and I have no idea how I am going to get that money.

The good part is, the most expensive piece that I was worried about I literally have until the week of the wedding to save. So it looks like I'll be doing as much overtime as possible to get that done.

The other thing I am worried about is Nate. He doesn't like being in front of crowds, and the day that I have been looking forward to my entire life, he isn't excited about. I want him to be excited. I feel like he doesn't care AT ALL. I want him to surprise me with something meaningful and heartfelt. I want him to be able to overcome his fears and do something for me.

Our DJ does these recordings of people, and he plays them a key moments during the wedding to evoke emotion and I so badly want him to do one. I would love nothing more then to be surprised by that. I know he won't do it, that his anxieties about being in front of people don't allow him to function the way I do. But dammit I want to hear words from him, to tell me why he loves me, in front of everyone. It's the one thing I crave from him. Words.

My entire life surrounds words. How people say them, what they say, the double meanings. That's what I did in college between Theater and English. Words. You don't realize how badly you need them until you don't have them.

Don't get me wrong. Nate is an extremely generous, heartfelt, sweet, loving man. His personality compliments me like no one's ever has, and maybe if he had the words I wouldn't love him as much. It's a catch 22 though isn't it. I wish he were more like me, but then I'd probably not like him because he was too much like me.

But just once, just this one time on this special day, I want a surprise. I want him to do something that I would never expect. I want this day to be special, and I am worried I'm going to be disappointed. Isn't that awful? I am going into my wedding day expecting to be disappointed. I feel like I give and give to everyone, but I am always so disappointed with what people give to me. Maybe I ask to much of people, maybe I have these idealisms in my head that the world will never reach. I want people in my life to put as much thought and effort into things as I do, as my mom does. Maybe that's where I get it from. My mom always puts so much heart and detail into everything she does, and I want everyone to treat me like that. The most special I have felt in years is the shower my mom put on for me, and the bachelorette my cousin did for me.

I planned my own 30th birthday. Granted, I am a control freak and I maybe didn't even give Nate a chance. Is it because I didn't want to be disappointed? I took control because I knew he wasn't going to do what I wanted? I ruined the surprise from my parents who were going to come to New York. Do I do things so they are the way I'd want them to be? Have I basically given Nate out's our entire relationship, and now he is just used to it? So it's like I am perpetuating the stigma.

I think I need to let it be what it is. Maybe if I give up some control, people will surprise me. Maybe if I lower my expectations, I won't be constantly disappointed.

But who wants to lower their expectations? Who wants to constantly want less in life? I know I sure don't.

I have a friend, and when we hang out we have so much fun, and I feel really close to her. But I feel like she never reaches out, she never wants to be around me. And I compare her to my other friends from high school and college, and she doesn't come close. Nate says that I have super high expectations from friends, but when I have friends in my life that meet those expectations, why wouldn't I want that friend to live up to what I do?

Sorry for the gigantic rant. I guess I just needed somebody to talk to that wouldn't talk back.

Cherry lipgloss

Poem has been removed 

Mosaic

I wrote a poem. I never write poems. The last one I wrote was years ago, and it was pretty terrible.

I've been feeling the need to get some things out. I've been writing a lot for my second book (I use the term "book" loosely, as right now it is just a bunch of short stories surrounding the same events) and trying to deal with some things from the past. Although I am so excited for my future, and things to come, I know that unresolved events in my past still haunt me.

In hope to finally release some of these ghosts, I've been writing a lot. This is the product of some of that. It isn't complete, and I really don't like it. I have a few versions, but none of them were working. I only really like this first bit. 

I have removed this poem 

I need more time.

I need to write.

I think if I had a year off to write my book, I would actually be able to do it. Between work, overtime, exercising, and spending time with my friends and family, I don't have any energy or time to do it. I think it would be a good book if I could just get it out, play with it, write it.

I need TIME and ENERGY. Who wants to pay me for the year to write a book? 

I am laying here on my couch, trying to write.

I got a paragraph out. That's it.

I'm pretty sure this book is going to take forever. And who knows if I will even find a publisher that will like it. Its not like its the next great American novel- or an "original" idea like Twilight, or shocking like Fifty Shades of Grey. Or ever other horrible erotic book that followed Fifty Shades of Grey.

I just want it to be good, and to have people read it. And obviously to make money so I can do something that I love for a living.

/end sad blog.

Book

Well I am writing a book, and I started a little bit on the beginning. It is really rough, but I wanted some feedback. Just what you think, does it really suck... that kind of stuff.




Adrianna looked at her beautiful house and thought it was beyond perfection. Well, maybe not perfection, but pretty damn close if she did say so herself. She didn’t see the paint chipping off or the broken window, or even the sagging porch; she saw freedom. Here was a chance to finally start over, to have the life she always wanted. Not that her life before this was a hardship, but it was so exhausting to hold up that image day in and day out. She was never able to be herself… whoever that was. Well she was finally able to find that out. Adrianna ran a finger through her short brown hair, still surprised when it stopped at her jaw line instead of flowing down to the middle of her back. She actually liked the change, and thought the brown brought out her blue eyes and looked striking against her pale skin. Long blonde hair looked better on someone who was tan, and that was something else she cut out of her life; being fake. She no longer would spray on a tan or bleach her hair, and her once acrylic nails now were short and dull from lack of polish. It was like becoming a butterfly after living so long in a cocoon.


Sunny yellow would be a good color to brighten up this house, Adrianna thought to herself, making a mental check list of everything she wanted to do. Money wasn’t an object, although she wasn’t going to make that a well known fact in this quant neighborhood. She wanted to keep the integrity of the house while still having modern necessities. She’d keep the same windows, but replace the broken and dirty glass. The porch had to be fixed and sanded then stained a nice rich color to offset the yellow. The bathrooms were in a surprisingly good shape, especially the beautiful claw-foot tub that pleased the hell out of Adrianna. They just needed some new paint and new tile, and they’d be good as new. She also wanted to get some better lighting and a new vanity mirror. The one thing Adrianna couldn’t get rid of was looking good, and to do that she needed good light and a three way mirror.


Instinct told her to look behind her, to calm the chill that just ran up her spine. You are safe, she repeated in her mind and pushed her shoulders back. She stepped onto the wonderfully creaky porch, and thought of all the possibilities.