I haven't writing in here in a very long time. It seems like I chose to put my thoughts down at random times. It doesn't necessarily happen when I am going through a crisis, when I am sad, or especially happy. I think the reason I am so sporadic is because I don't have anytime to devote to my thoughts. I am concentrating so much on what is next, what I have to do, that I don't give myself anytime to.. myself.
I'm getting married in 49 days.
Just saying that makes me stomach flip.
Not the being married part. I am excited for that, for starting a family, to be Ashlee Howe. All that is exciting for me.
It's the wedding part of it that I'm nervous about. Mostly the money. I have no idea how I am going to pay for the rest of the wedding. My credit is shit, I have no more avenues to get more money. I need a good 3-4 thousand dollars and I have no idea how I am going to get that money.
The good part is, the most expensive piece that I was worried about I literally have until the week of the wedding to save. So it looks like I'll be doing as much overtime as possible to get that done.
The other thing I am worried about is Nate. He doesn't like being in front of crowds, and the day that I have been looking forward to my entire life, he isn't excited about. I want him to be excited. I feel like he doesn't care AT ALL. I want him to surprise me with something meaningful and heartfelt. I want him to be able to overcome his fears and do something for me.
Our DJ does these recordings of people, and he plays them a key moments during the wedding to evoke emotion and I so badly want him to do one. I would love nothing more then to be surprised by that. I know he won't do it, that his anxieties about being in front of people don't allow him to function the way I do. But dammit I want to hear words from him, to tell me why he loves me, in front of everyone. It's the one thing I crave from him. Words.
My entire life surrounds words. How people say them, what they say, the double meanings. That's what I did in college between Theater and English. Words. You don't realize how badly you need them until you don't have them.
Don't get me wrong. Nate is an extremely generous, heartfelt, sweet, loving man. His personality compliments me like no one's ever has, and maybe if he had the words I wouldn't love him as much. It's a catch 22 though isn't it. I wish he were more like me, but then I'd probably not like him because he was too much like me.
But just once, just this one time on this special day, I want a surprise. I want him to do something that I would never expect. I want this day to be special, and I am worried I'm going to be disappointed. Isn't that awful? I am going into my wedding day expecting to be disappointed. I feel like I give and give to everyone, but I am always so disappointed with what people give to me. Maybe I ask to much of people, maybe I have these idealisms in my head that the world will never reach. I want people in my life to put as much thought and effort into things as I do, as my mom does. Maybe that's where I get it from. My mom always puts so much heart and detail into everything she does, and I want everyone to treat me like that. The most special I have felt in years is the shower my mom put on for me, and the bachelorette my cousin did for me.
I planned my own 30th birthday. Granted, I am a control freak and I maybe didn't even give Nate a chance. Is it because I didn't want to be disappointed? I took control because I knew he wasn't going to do what I wanted? I ruined the surprise from my parents who were going to come to New York. Do I do things so they are the way I'd want them to be? Have I basically given Nate out's our entire relationship, and now he is just used to it? So it's like I am perpetuating the stigma.
I think I need to let it be what it is. Maybe if I give up some control, people will surprise me. Maybe if I lower my expectations, I won't be constantly disappointed.
But who wants to lower their expectations? Who wants to constantly want less in life? I know I sure don't.
I have a friend, and when we hang out we have so much fun, and I feel really close to her. But I feel like she never reaches out, she never wants to be around me. And I compare her to my other friends from high school and college, and she doesn't come close. Nate says that I have super high expectations from friends, but when I have friends in my life that meet those expectations, why wouldn't I want that friend to live up to what I do?
Sorry for the gigantic rant. I guess I just needed somebody to talk to that wouldn't talk back.
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